Uncomplicated and Hurt

My life, at many points, was very complicated.

The time I told my parents that someone had been abusing me. That got complicated.

The time I jumped into marriage because I thought I had to. That got complicated.

The time I needed to leave people I loved behind. That got complicated.

And that’s just the start.

You’ll notice I don’t talk about that much on my blog, or if you talk to me personally you’ll know I just don’t go there. I’m still the same person inside; I care deeply, I feel deeply, I’m quick to hurt and I think about people who have excised me from their lives much more than I should.

So it’s not that the old me isn’t there, it’s just that I have so much more to relish in and be positive about. I’m helping two amazing kids grow up in a world that’s not all about their specific roles according to gender. I joined a shul and my older kid goes to Hebrew school. I’m taking my kids hiking on the West Coast this month. I’ve lost 100 pounds (yeah, I’m going to repeat that a couple of times). I’ve made some really cool friends. I love the weather. Any weather.

I’ve managed, I don’t know how, to compartmentalize parts of my life that are less than happy and appreciate what I do have. A roof over my head that I paid for. A car that gets me places. Kids that are healthy. A me that’s healthy. I’m far less interesting now, because I just don’t (or can’t) go there. At my ripe old age of halfway-ish to 70, I guess I’ve grown up or just exhausted the drama that I was allocated at birth. I’ve uncomplicated, and I am happy.

Except… I’m a good friend. I was a good friend. When I think about the things I’ve done, the places I’ve travelled to, to be there for someone… it hurts that I’ve been reduced to an anonymous paragraph.

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4 responses to “Uncomplicated and Hurt

    • Happiness is something that, even when you have lost something maybe forever, you can find in the smallest of places. Custodial agreements in frum vs secular cases need so much more judicial oversight, but we live in a corrupt world with a corrupt system. There are people who lose custody every week because they’re not frum any longer… I know of one case in North America and one in Europe right now. It’s awful, and I wish there was a wider net to catch judicial abuses.

  1. Hugs! I like to read your blog posts. You are so eloquent and so many times you can express what I can’t. Isn’t writing amazing?

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