How did I get here?
How did the 19 year old with fantastical dreams of a bayis neeman b’yisroel turn into me? A hardened, lonely mother?
I’d like to blame someone, but the someone is me. I said yes. I can’t regret my choices, because I got three wonderful kids out of what otherwise would have been the worst mistake of my life.
I called my sons today. I wanted to ask them how cheider was. I wanted to tell them I saw snow this week, and wondered if they remembered the snow when they were little.
I got ring after ring on the home phone.
Their father’s cell phone went to voicemail after three strange rings. I left a message.
I’ll wait 30 minutes, I thought. Repeated the calls. No answer.
I am so frustrated with the games he plays. So angry at how cavalier he can be with my feelings, with the children’s feelings.
I called my ex mother-in-law. Maybe they were there because my ex-husband was elsewhere, I said kindly. I don’t have kind words for her, but what could I say? I wanted to speak to my kids.
The children are on a trip out of the country. They’ll be back in a few days.
I managed to spit out a frustrated thank you, and hang up.
I wait for this all week. This is the only chance I get to speak to my kids. I grasp onto this because I have nothing else from them.
How did I get here? How am I no longer their mother? How am I no longer whole?