How Did I Get Here?

How did I get here?

How did the 19 year old with fantastical dreams of a bayis neeman b’yisroel turn into me? A hardened, lonely mother?

I’d like to blame someone, but the someone is me. I said yes. I can’t regret my choices, because I got three wonderful kids out of what otherwise would have been the worst mistake of my life.

I called my sons today. I wanted to ask them how cheider was. I wanted to tell them I saw snow this week, and wondered if they remembered the snow when they were little.

I got ring after ring on the home phone.

Their father’s cell phone went to voicemail after three strange rings. I left a message.

I’ll wait 30 minutes, I thought. Repeated the calls. No answer.

I am so frustrated with the games he plays. So angry at how cavalier he can be with my feelings, with the children’s feelings.

I called my ex mother-in-law. Maybe they were there because my ex-husband was elsewhere, I said kindly. I don’t have kind words for her, but what could I say? I wanted to speak to my kids.

The children are on a trip out of the country. They’ll be back in a few days.

I managed to spit out a frustrated thank you, and hang up.

I wait for this all week. This is the only chance I get to speak to my kids. I grasp onto this because I have nothing else from them.

How did I get here? How am I no longer their mother? How am I no longer whole?


2 responses to “How Did I Get Here?

  1. This is so wrong. It’s not right that you are a distant spectator in your sons’ lives. Can the secular court system help you? I’m sorry you are going through this.

    • Thanks. I’m currently trying to improve access in the secular courts. I did have a recent (very minor) success but I think I’m being punished for it now by my ex.

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